My last post in 2015 was in regards to moving day for us and moving forward. I am sure some of you followed along on my most painful and stressful journey on selling our home and moving. Thank you for all the encouragement and support, as I appreciate each and every comment, email, message of encouragement and sympathy on how I was struggling with all of it. Sometimes good decisions are hard and sometimes they are harder to move forward with.
We did get moved into our new home, a week later it was Christmas and then it was all over. It was a good holiday, the kids were here with their special friends and we had a wonderful holiday and then it was time to decide what was going to be my "word" for the new year. Twenty-fifteen was rapidly ending and the new year was just around the corner.
My words for 2015 were "letting go" and to be honest, I could have never imagined what those two words would actually mean and ultimately how they would impact my life as the year unfolded. Absolutely Never. Words have a power like no other when spoken aloud. I reread my post for January of 2015 and was astounded at how things changed and the turns some things took and in ways I never would have dreamed.
The major turn of events during 2015 which lead us on as journey of selling our home were certainly unexpected. The home for me, was one that love built in more ways than one and the only home I have lived in all of my "real" adult life. Thirty one years to be exact, and forty one for my husband. The roots run deep there and the memories embedded even more so. There were so many wonderful memories created inside those walls and also a lot of not so wonderful memories, which we as a family somehow managed to over come. There were memories that were really not significant but when they come to mind, they spark a feeling of fullness and home between the walls of that house. Yes, I know we take our memories with us and that is true enough, but it has been very hard to leave the place where all of those memories were born. I never would have dreamed this past year would lead us to letting go of all things precious to my heart and deciding it was time to move on and into a new house. It has been something that has sparked so many emotions. I still find myself pining for "home" and probably more than I should. I don't think I have ever in my life understood fully what it meant to be "homesick" and I am here to tell you, I have felt that feeling so profoundly and to the depths of my soul. As I type these words, the thought came to mind that my last letting go for last year surly must be these feelings of homesick and focus on looking forward to what all is to come and just hold all that has been so dear to me close to my heart.
I thought at the beginning of the year that "letting go" would apply to me downsizing many of my collections and possibly not buying more to bring into my home. Well, that surely did happen as I had to scale down in a big way before we moved. I sold, and re-homed so many of my treasures that if I think about it all now and the magnitude of what I let go of I find it hard to believe. We lived in a small house, but the house had been remodeled a couple of times in the past, and the house was made to hold all of my collections and treasures. The sheer magnitude of all that was inside the walls of that house was overwhelming when I had to really look at it all. I will say that the powers to be sent the right people to buy my beloved treasures and they all went to good homes. It was really amazing to hear the stories when I had a sale at my home as to how many people had the same affection for the things I have loved for so many years. I honestly thought I'd feel sad when I sold so much of my things, but it somehow was freeing to let a lot of those things go. They served a purpose at another time in my life, but it was time to let those things go and in doing so, things sure felt lighter.
I would have never thought that letting go in 2015 would take me to a place I never thought I would go. Due to many of the complications of selling our home and buying the new house I was forced to make a decision I never in my heart wanted to make. The people who purchased our house in the contract requested we leave "The Chicken Resort" with the sale of the house. I agreed and we signed the contract, never thinking for one minute that in doing so, that things would soon unfold in a way that it would create a hardship of not being able to move the birds with us. The reality of having to make a decision and make a good decision for my beloved flock and their welfare was one that broke my heart into tiny pieces. In the end, I gave them to the people that purchased our house. They were every bit as excited and happy as I was devastated and sad. However, in my mind, that was my chickens home and the only home they had known, and surly they would be happier there in their own home than any other temporary housing I could come up with for them. The having to let go of my chickens is such a sadness that I can hardly type the words. I miss Benny the rooster more than I care to admit and I spent the last two weeks leaving for work early and driving by my old house and parking in front, just so I could hear him crow. The very idea that I can't walk back into the coops and scoop them all up and hug them and sing to them still breaks my heart. I miss them, and of all the letting go I had to do in 2015, this very one is the hardest of all. I have to put on a happy front, but inside, my heart hurts each and every day when I think of my chickens and not having them here with me. I never knew how a flocks of birds could have such a hold on my heart.
And finally, in moving forward into the new year, I am reminded of all the things I had to let go of in order to propel me into making the decisions we made about our future. I had to let go of thoughts that had been responsible for some negative impacts of my life. Things that for years had me believing I'd never go back to the place where we would end up moving to. Things that if I allowed myself to think about, would cause panic attacks and dread and allowed me only to feel a total since of safety from it all, at our old home, my safe haven. It's funny how it has taken almost a lifetime to over come some of those feelings of fear and dread, and enough so that I moved back to a place I said I'd never return. It is also not so funny how on my very first day back, I was unexpectedly reminded of why I felt that way in the first place for all of my adult life. Some things I guess are never the same, but then again, they never change at all. I now know, I still have a bit of letting go to work on as this new year unfolds, remnants of 2015 if you will, are still around. But I know now, I am at a place in my life that I can do that, I just need a little more time with all of the emotions and newness of what all twenty-fifteen brought about in our lives.
So what are my words for the new year? Well, to be frank, I decided I'd not pick any words for this year. In all honestly, I was afraid to do so after discovering the power of those two words had in my life last year. No matter how hard the letting go was, it will all be for the best as this year unfolds, that I know, but forgive me if I say that I was a little afraid to chose words for this year.
So instead....I am working my way through twenty-sixteen a little differently. I read online about a gratitude/joy jar for each and every day of the new year and knew right away that was something that would benefit me in a huge way. You can see the facebook post that inspired me HERE. I have added a new button on my sidebar as a reminder to keep adding to the jar, even on days I may find it hard to do so. I expect there to be lessons in this process to learn, and maybe, just maybe ease into this new year feeling a little more positive from all that I let go of in 2015. Maybe, just maybe this will be a jumping board to eagerly anticipate all that is to come in twenty-sixteen and look forward to it all in a positive and joyful way.
Happy New Year my friends, be kind to those you encounter either by chance or day to day. You truly never know what kind of inner battle someone may be fighting on the inside, no matter how happy they seem on the outside. Show gratitude and joy in all things....that is my mantra for the new year.
Great big cloud at daybreak
3 hours ago