I very seldom write about my deep feelings on things....I mean, I do a lot of rambling..but never on a serious subject. I guess because I keep most of my thoughts and feelings to myself...things that are personal. But I decided I wanted to write about something that has really stirred up a bunch of emotions this past week for me.
The cause of all of this??.....Facebook......now I am sure most of you will think I am really silly, and I am sure I am being silly...but I had no idea when I signed up for Facebook what emotions it would stir up....long forgotten things.....things I had hid away rather well for nearly 30 years.
The first day, I had a flood of friend request, request from people I had not seen or heard from in years....YEARS. I was a little taken back. It did not take long for my best friend in High School to send a friend request and a note about long time...no see.... I did not respond for a few days...why? I have no idea....I really have no idea.
Well, she sent another request for a friend add, nothing from me. I think now, all of these years when she was not in my life, I told myself that was fine with me. I figured she knew where I lived, my address and I never heard from her. I knew she remarried and I did not know where she was or even her last name....(my excuse is lame I know) I felt like shame on me and shame on her for letting so much time pass between us, and in an instant here we were, and I felt like a deer in the headlights. I know I was really taking this facebook thing all out of proportion. I let old hurts cause this to be more than what it really was I think.
Well, this morning, I added her, she sent a long message, I sat and replied...and then just cried my eyes out.... I sent another message after the first one that said, "You know, I have missed you all of these years....really missed you" and I then logged off and cried some more, I do not have the courage right now to read the response if there is one.
This is the kind of tears I hate to cry...tears of years lost and can never get back, tears for missing out on the important things in your old friends' life, tears for them missing out on mine, tears for just missing that person, tears for feeling for years you did not matter enough to your friend to maintain a friendship that was once special. I know now, this is what I was afraid of, these feelings coming out of their hiding place, feelings I had locked away for years. Being able to tell yourself all these years it did not matter, and then, all of a sudden, like being hit by a freight train....knowing it did matter.....very much......
It almost feels like someone turned a key, and unlocked what has been missing all this time...it is very scary to me...wondering how to proceed from here. Nothing may change....everything may.....
*Sigh* I needed to say this.....even if it is for myself to reread and then think about it.
~On a lighter note, the one thing Facebook did provide is a feeling of gratefulness.... I saw a picture of an old Boyfriend...Oh, My Gosh...he looked awful! And the first thing out of my mouth was "Thank you, God"....not because of seeing him, but of being glad I did not marry him.....I am thankful God sent my husband....Sorta reminds me of the song by Garth Brooks...."Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"
Thanks for letting me vent.......and I must say...you guys who are my blogging buddies and now Facebook friends....I am happy to have you on my friends list, you bring so much to my life, you really have no idea!!!