Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I want to say, this is the 4th post in a series of 6 before I bring this story to the present. All these were written at the same time. I thought about shortening these post, but this has been more for me and my being able to move forward and felt I needed to include the "all of it" in the story. I promise...soon the gloom and doom will end, and hope will begin. I hope you continue to follow along...and hope that you take something with you from reading about my own struggles. Suzanne.
Part one: Here
Part two : Here
Part three : Here
When the weight came back....it stayed. I thought about trying again but I did not have the energy or will power to return. I began to hate the way I looked, hate myself for being so weak and not being able to change, I hated the way I felt. It was horrible. I read every weight loss magazine there was, watched every TV program about weight loss that was guaranteed to work, however, nothing motivated me. I felt so bad mentally and physically, I just stopped trying.
If I ever felt my life had spiraled out of control before, nothing could compare to the last 2 years. The joy was gone, even food did not help. The worse part for me was I knew I had to lose weight, how could I not know it? But I knew I could not do it either. There were people in my life who would constantly comment on my weight all the time , every single time they would see me. I know they meant well...but it really made me mad. I got so sick of hearing about my weight, I finally just said, "I had given up.... it is what it is...get over it". The more someone mentioned my weight, the more I gave up..... It was horrible. No one could possibly know how bad I felt, and no amount of words whether directly, or indirectly would prompt me to make a change.
Along with the constant weight issues, I was having female problems too, each month my cycles were so bad, I'd miss work.....horrible.....my moods would swing from one end of the spectrum to another. If I was happy, it was for a fleeting moment and then it was gone....I was back being mad at the world and everyone was to blame......if you have ever experienced any of this.....Please know, I know how you feel....it is an out of control, can't get a grip...horrible feeling. And if you have experienced this for yourself, I know you feel like you are the only one who feels this way. Everyone was at fault, especially my husband, poor thing. I stayed mad at him, no matter what he did, it was not enough. I have even talked about a divorce.....life had gotten so horrible for me, I really felt like if I was on my own, alone, I would be better off...then there would be no one to blame for my unhappiness except the dog...and well....I could not see that happening.
I know some of you who have read my blog for a while, are surprised. I discovered blogging and it filled up some of the emptiness I had felt for a long time, and I truly loved it. This was a new outlet for me, I felt like I could write about what I wanted....within limits of course, and still be accepted and no one would ever know my many faults and issues and most certainly not my weight issues as long as I did not post a picture of myself...it was safe territory. I love all my online friends, and to even consider writing about what was really going on.....unimaginable. And if I might add, this has taken great courage to do so now..... So, I chose to write about the good things that happened, and avoided the sad, bad things that consumed my life. I hid this from most family and friends too, my own husband did not know how bad it was...oh, he knew it was bad....just not how bad.....
I often have wondered where I have disappeared to? What happened to the person I once was? In fact, when I would read my blog post...some days I wondered who exactly this person was....certainly not me.....I felt like two different people.....it is so hard to explain and I am sure I sound like crazy person....but honestly I felt that way, like I was seriously loosing it, day by day.
I felt so bad all the time, stressed out, mad at the world and a weight problem with which I could not get a grip .....I had no idea what to do or even how to make a change.....then one night in May of this year....I found a lump in my breast........to be continued. FRIDAY - I won't make you wait until Sunday.