Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Weight Loss Journey Part 4

I want to say, this is the 4th post in a series of 6 before I bring this story to the present. All these were written at the same time. I thought about shortening these post, but this has been more for me and my being able to move forward and felt I needed to include the "all of it" in the story. I promise...soon the gloom and doom will end, and hope will begin. I hope you continue to follow along...and hope that you take something with you from reading about my own struggles. Suzanne.

Related Post:

Introduction: Here
Part one: Here
Part two : Here
Part three : Here

When the weight came back....it stayed. I thought about trying again but I did not have the energy or will power to return. I began to hate the way I looked, hate myself for being so weak and not being able to change, I hated the way I felt. It was horrible. I read every weight loss magazine there was, watched every TV program about weight loss that was guaranteed to work, however, nothing motivated me. I felt so bad mentally and physically, I just stopped trying.

If I ever felt my life had spiraled out of control before, nothing could compare to the last 2 years. The joy was gone, even food did not help. The worse part for me was I knew I had to lose weight, how could I not know it? But I knew I could not do it either. There were people in my life who would constantly comment on my weight all the time , every single time they would see me. I know they meant well...but it really made me mad. I got so sick of hearing about my weight, I finally just said, "I had given up.... it is what it is...get over it". The more someone mentioned my weight, the more I gave up..... It was horrible. No one could possibly know how bad I felt, and no amount of words whether directly, or indirectly would prompt me to make a change.

Along with the constant weight issues, I was having female problems too, each month my cycles were so bad, I'd miss work.....horrible.....my moods would swing from one end of the spectrum to another. If I was happy, it was for a fleeting moment and then it was gone....I was back being mad at the world and everyone was to blame......if you have ever experienced any of this.....Please know, I know how you feel....it is an out of control, can't get a grip...horrible feeling. And if you have experienced this for yourself, I know you feel like you are the only one who feels this way. Everyone was at fault, especially my husband, poor thing. I stayed mad at him, no matter what he did, it was not enough. I have even talked about a divorce.....life had gotten so horrible for me, I really felt like if I was on my own, alone, I would be better off...then there would be no one to blame for my unhappiness except the dog...and well....I could not see that happening.

I know some of you who have read my blog for a while, are surprised. I discovered blogging and it filled up some of the emptiness I had felt for a long time, and I truly loved it. This was a new outlet for me, I felt like I could write about what I wanted....within limits of course, and still be accepted and no one would ever know my many faults and issues and most certainly not my weight issues as long as I did not post a picture of myself...it was safe territory. I love all my online friends, and to even consider writing about what was really going on.....unimaginable. And if I might add, this has taken great courage to do so now..... So, I chose to write about the good things that happened, and avoided the sad, bad things that consumed my life. I hid this from most family and friends too, my own husband did not know how bad it was...oh, he knew it was bad....just not how bad.....

I often have wondered where I have disappeared to? What happened to the person I once was? In fact, when I would read my blog post...some days I wondered who exactly this person was....certainly not me.....I felt like two different people.....it is so hard to explain and I am sure I sound like crazy person....but honestly I felt that way, like I was seriously loosing it, day by day.

I felt so bad all the time, stressed out, mad at the world and a weight problem with which I could not get a grip .....I had no idea what to do or even how to make a change.....then one night in May of this year....I found a lump in my breast........to be continued. FRIDAY - I won't make you wait until Sunday.


  1. Crying again. Your story is so familiar! Thank you so much for posting. It lets some of us know that we're not isolated.

    You're right, of course, about the blogging. We only show one side of ourselves. Who would want to hear about all our problems, etc.?

    Well, listen, girl -- I'm truly inspired by your courage in telling your story.

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. Our stories are so alike and yet so different. Can't wait to read the rest.

  3. Thanks for this wonderful post. I learned a valuable lesson in this post. Keep it up. I also have a blog - will redirect this info :)

  4. Sending hugs and prayers and well wishes. I'm so proud of you for telling your story.

    Thank you for sharing. You're an amazing woman!

  5. I am certain many have read about your journey thus far, and have not known what comment they could possibly leave. If you don't receive as many as you would expect, I hope you know that there are some of us out here that are waiting for the next post concerning this, and do not have the words to express their thoughts and feelings. You write very well, by the way.

  6. Thanks so much for sharing this--perhaps some of us will take heart with your transparency and tell our own some day...

  7. God bless you Suzanne for your courage and strength in sharing your story. You've certainly drawn me in, and I want to hear more. We're all behind you 100%!
    Have a great day!

  8. I feel for you - I know all of this because...well, I feel this as well. As everyone has said, this is all of our stories.

    I wish I could hug you and I wish we could all hug each other. There is so much pain around this issue for woman. So much pain.

    My thoughts are with you. With us all..


  9. Well, I don't know what to say except I love you and I certainly am praying that there is nothing wrong with this lump. I do understand how you feel---I have my own issues but just can not seem to find a way out of some of mine---I am so glad this is helping you and will keep praying and believe all is well and will continue to be well.

  10. why didnt you tell me about what happened in may?

  11. I've so enjoyed reading your story. You are an inspiration and very courageous! It all sounds SO familiar! Thanks for sharing.

  12. Oh my, you're turning into the Queen of Suspense!

  13. Reading this is like looking in a steamed up mirror for me. Most things look (and sound) familiar (there are some slight differences in our stories). I too often wonder who the physical being that everyone else sees is. I have one picture in particular that I have picked up from time to time in the last 6 months to a year, asking the me in that photo, "What happened to you? Where are you? What has become of you?". I too know that I NEED to lose weight for my health, but cannot find the motivation or the willpower to make it happen.

    I am 5' 1.5" and 197 lbs. My waist measures 41 inches and my hips 50. I am almost SQUARE and DESPISE it. Just had to purchase new clothes. I now wear a size 22 pant and 2XL tops. I am near tears typing that very painful reality.

    I am struggling too and will read your story with continued empathy, understanding, and appreciation.

    God bless your journey!!

    From someone whose been following since you posted a prayer request in the comments of MckMama's blog. I have been praying for you since.

  14. Dear Anonymous....OH, I know exactly who you are....and I really believe your prayers have gotten me to where I am today...I was so distraught during that time you emailed me, I don't know how I deleted your email...I have thought about you over the months a lot....wishing I knew where you were....please know...there is hope, it has taken me a very long time, as you have read to get to where I am today...easy...no way....but I am understanding why I am at this place that I don't want to be....and releasing it here for all of blogland to read...well, it has been a weight off my heart....I hope you read this comment...feel free to email me again.....I would love to be your support system or friend...and help anyway I can....I will continue to pray for your journey as well....keep the faith...it is a miracle worker....HUGS.

  15. I'm touched by your story and empathize with the fear of not always showing the perky happy side of life on blogs.

    This is only the third week since I've come across your blog, Suzanne - I think the past two weeks I linked to the Postcards From The Dinner Table blog I have, but today I'll link to another one, which does have some stories of the delicate balances we have to attend to (and work on) in life or face getting eaten up by them.

    Looking forward to reading more of your story,


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