Part One: Here
Part Two: Here
Part Three: Here
Part Four: Here
.........That was the blow below the belt...even if it was above the belt....sorry...could not help myself. My greatest fear of cancer had come to pass....I was certain I was going to die.....
My grandmother, grandfather, aunt, dad, mother in law, even my precious dog of 13 years had all died of cancer and here it was knocking on my door. I know that is a horrible thing to admit, panic and assuming the worse but I was not thinking clearly. I went on line to self diagnose myself...big mistake....some of the symptoms I had experienced were right there in black and white.....I panicked....big time.....this was it....I could not imagine what I was going to tell my kids.....would I be here for their weddings?, would I ever know my grandchildren?....my heart was in dispair. Then the next fleeting thought was "I have never been to Hawaii, and now never will." Now, why in the world in the middle of a panic attach that came to mind, I will never know...but I am being honest...and that is what I thought...shameful to admit.....believe me.
It took two agonizing days to get into my gynecologist office. By that time, I was in so much pain it was unbearable....she sent me for a mammogram and a sonogram the same day. To make a long story short, I went to see a breast surgeon for a needle biopsy and it was determined the lump was benign and nothing needed to be done about it right away. I was so thankful for my husband's support but honestly, I was so pissed at the same time. I felt like he was just being nice because I thought I had cancer and thought I was going to die....how horrible is that??? He is a nice person, it has just been my perception of things that has been so off balance.....and again, it has been all his fault in my mind.
I go back to see the surgeon this month for a follow up checkup. Honestly, I think this was caused from an injury to myself by lifting something much too heavy and scraping my breast with the object.....I was mad, at my husband for not doing something the way I thought it should be done and that is what happened that day.....at least that is what I think....I caused this five alarm panic I am sure of it now.
Some family members do not even know this happened, so if you are one of them, please forgive me, I could hardly deal with it myself.....and did not want to bother anyone with this unless it was necessary. I try to protect the ones I love the most, so I keep things to myself. It is not because I don't love or care about you, it is just I could not bring myself to worry you if there was not reason in it.....and it proved to not be a reason....thank goodness.
But it took me three weeks to recover from that biopsy, it was so painful, and my mental state was just worn out....like I said before, the least little thing would send me into a tail spin and this was so hard to deal with, even when I had the results....it just wiped me out.....it should have been a wake up call....in my mind it was...but I was helpless to make any changes...in fact, my old eating habits returned, sweets were my comfort.....
If I tell you I never thought things could get worse, that is an understatement. From May, my life has been so hard, it is hard to imagine. Emotional, irrational, angry, panicked, stressed, feeling sick, tired all the time, you name it, I have felt it. I knew at the end of the summer when my husband had made two trips to Colorado and I had not gone with him either time, things were really bad.....I don't know if he realized it, but I certainly did. The things I loved no longer were important enough to leave home for. I used up all my vacation time and sick time at work to stay home....because that is were I felt safe, home with my dogs, my computer friends and cookies, chips or cake.......I can hardly imagine I let myself get like this.....when I had to, I'd put on a happy face so no one would know how bad things were. I could not help it, I could not do anything about it. I thought I was going crazy. I even tried to distract myself with quilting classes, that helped, but only for a short time.
Then....I joined facebook. Now I know you have read those sad tales, of my struggles, emotional roller coaster with that. Never did I think that this single thing would be the bridge to help me out of this funk I was in. Sure I was an emotional wreck over facebook...but I was a emotional wreck over everything in my life....I just kept it to myself. Suddenly, I was in the middle of reconnecting with people who meant so much to me a lifetime ago.....they looked wonderful, just the same as I remembered them....and I looked at myself....and I did not even recognize myself or the person I had become. I was so afraid my long ago friends would pick up on something...I have been so guarded....and so ever afraid to show a picture of myself......that was even more depressing......they looked great, and I looked so bad in my mind. I was slipping into a deeper depression by the day. My friends of long ago played such an important part in my starting this journey. They were the spark that I needed to move forward, painful as it has been. The very hope of reuniting with these friends on a more personal level was what joilted something from deep within to wake up....call it fear....call it shame.....call it embarrassment, call it whatever you want....but after 23 years of not having certain people in my life, funny how these very friends are ultimately the ones who have saved me....and they have no idea.
Then one afternoon about a month ago, I was talking about my weight with Steve. Now, I know he would like me to be slim like I used to be, but I really have not cared one way or another what he thought..Truth. Just Sayin'. Anyway, I asked him to join weight watchers with me. In order for him to not have to commit to doing that, which is so "him", he told me to go back and see my nutritionist. He would pay for it. All of it. He reminded me how that worked for me in the past, and if I would stick with it, he would pay all cost. I felt like he was just getting himself off the hook about going to weight watchers with me.....but if he would follow the diet I could eat at home, then I would give it a try once again. I made the call, got the appointment and went to pay her a visit..........to be continued
The sound of the universe laughing
18 hours ago