For those of you who have been with me here at The Coloradolady for a long time, you very well know I rarely, or never post pictures of myself. I guess the best excuse for that is I just don't like to take pictures of myself at this point of my life. I don't like seeing myself in photos because I don't see what my mind sees and how I used to be years ago. So I avoid it.
Not only do I avoid photos, but for all of my adult life, I pretty much have avoided lots of things because of the way I felt about myself. I have never even once attended a class reunion, ever for this very reason. I always said, when I lose the weight I will......when I look better I will......and well, for me, I feel like time is running out. Honestly, I know I won't ever be back where I want to be or be at the place I feel like I can conquer the world again, so I better start making the most of it. I know it is pretty pathetic to admit that, but it is the truth.
There was a big change that happened internally for me at the beginning of this year. I don't want to go into much of that right now, but I am so thankful it happened and changes are being made and made rather rapidly. That is a huge thing for me, as some struggles are not so hard anymore and walls are coming down. I am making progress on goals that I felt were unattainable and in doing so, my self image has improved and I see how unimportant that really is in the big scheme of things. I am thankful beyond words, because I want to share a special moment in my life that happened this last week....and it was 32 years in the making.
I have a friend from high school whom I have not seen since we graduated in 1980. We reconnected on Facebook a few years ago and keep in touch that way. She does not live here in Texas, she lives in Ohio and is away from all her childhood friends. When she and her family were making their way to Texas while on a family vacation, I knew in my heart of hearts I was going to see her no matter how insecure I felt with myself.
Mary and myself...Spring of 1978
This is a picture of us in our sophomore year of high school. This is one of the hand full of photos I have of my years in high school. Back then, we just did not take cameras to school and when we did it was usually at the end of the year. It certainly was not like it is today when the kids are able to document their every move via media. This was taken at the end of our sophomore year right before summer.
Mary and myself.....February 23, 2012
And this was last week.....34 years since the first photo was taken, and 32 years since I last saw my friend in person. And yes, to me she looks the same! We met for breakfast and spent a good part of the day together and had the best time. Talking was none stop, and I did not even finish my food as it got too cold while we were catching up. It was like all those years melted away and we picked up like it was yesterday when we last saw one another. I can't remember when I had so much fun and so thankful for the time we spent together.
We even walked around an antique mall and a vintage retro store that was filled with memories from the 1970's. It was for me a very special day and I am planning to see her later this year. (she just does not know it yet)
The most important lesson here is that all that silly worry about not measuring up and feeling bad about myself made absolutely no difference when we stepped out of the car and hugged...it melted away like a slab of butter on a 120 degree day. What a silly thing that had controlled me most of my adult life.....I feel so grateful that finally I am over all of that silly stuff.....no matter how it came about, I am grateful. I am grateful for my friend, and having that precious time with her while she was here. It meant the world to me.
.....and you know the icing on the cake??? I got an invite from another classmate to a party coming up right after I spent the day having such a good time......when I read it, for an instant I felt that old dread of
"oh, I can't go....thing trying to work itself in my mind" But I pushed those feelings away and out of my head...and I marched in the living room and told my husband we were going to a party.....he looked at me like I had
sprouted horns and turned green!! I am sure he thought,
"Who are you and what have you done with my wife!" No matter even if I feel a bit self conscious, I am going and can't wait to do so.
I think with the idea of turning 50 this year has been such a shock as to where have all the years gone that it has shocked my brain, or maybe I am finally getting comfortable in my own skin....after all, there certainly is a lot more skin to feel comfortable with rather than when I was seventeen for goodness sakes.
I felt like writing this down so I could go back to it when I needed to reread how I felt today. If you have never struggled with self doubt, let me say it is not easy living with it and even harder to move past it. But moving past those feelings is when living your life to the fullest really makes sense. It is the most amazing feeling and such treasured moments can come from letting go. It took me a long time....32 years......
how sad is that....but I have made it past the stuff that has held me at bay to what is really important in life and I could not be more happier about that!
Thanks Mary, for taking the time from your vacation and spending it with me.....it meant more to me than you could ever possibly know. It was an amazing day!
*** I am also thankful that through blogging, I see things differently too. I knew when I was driving to meet Mary that morning that I wanted to take a photo in the parking lot because I remembered this photo from long ago. That is how bloggers think....and I am most grateful for that too!! Both photos are treasures now.
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