Weight Loss Journey Part 2

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Introduction: click Here
Part 1 : click Here

In 2001, I had lost some of my weight, but it came right back. I would guess my weight fluctuated between 150 and 169 around this time, for some of you I know you are saying "That's not so much" but for my normal weight, it was. Life events, which I can not discuss, took a major tole on my well being. The "what" of the issues are really not the topic, it was the emotional stress, sadness, disappointment, the feelings I had failed, lost sense of self worth, and depression and anxiety attacks took me to a place I had never been too, and would not want to be. Something unimaginable happened in my life, and the happy life I had known was never to return. I have dealt with this for many years. It really effected me, paralyzed my thought process, and I felt I had no hope, guilt had over come my life. I had to accept some things were lost forever...I would never get over it, but I had to learn to deal with it. I sought professional counseling, and got myself back on track and feeling some better. However, the old way of dealing with stressful situations never returned, I was always feeling too weak inside to handle stress like I used to do. So I was really in a fragile state....like a time bomb ticking....only foods were a comfort and that became my new joy, eating unhealthy foods became my survival mode.

In March of 2003, I got a call from my estranged step mother, my father was dead. Granted, I had not had any contact with him in several years, but no matter, that was a shock and a great sadness that no reconciliation would ever take place, I did not realize at the time how this left a lump in my heart the size of a football field, but like everything else, I suppressed these feelings and moved on the best way I could.And as you can imagine, dealing with monument sadness and depression, again, I turned to foods.

Then in June of 2003, my father in law had a triple by pass surgery and I took care of his recovery until he had to go into rehab. He is not a good patient, very mean and rude and wants to blame everyone for his problems.....that is just the way he is when he is sick...the stress from that was so over powering I can not explain. I was racked with guilt for sending him to a rehab place, but I could not allow him to disrupt my already stressful household being the uncooperative self he was. I felt bad and felt like it was my duty to care for him as he was my husband's father. None the less, he went to rehab, recovered and things leveled off.

In early August of 2003, my dad's sister, my sweet Aunt passed away. This was the last living relative on my dad's side of the family, no grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no dad...all gone just like that...I can not tell you how hard even to this day it is to type the words, it was like someone wiped away all the loved ones from this side of the family, all the memories, voices, the laughter, all were gone just like that...... unimaginable to me still. The great sadness was dealt with by eating, I really developed a love of sweets during this year, and that is how I dealt with my grief....the sweets....they made me feel good.

My mother in law encouraged me to lose some weight throughout this same year (2003), even paid for my weight watcher visits to try and help me lose. She encouraged, prompted, and was my cheerleader. I thought she was going to weight watchers too, but she was not.....she was sick and we NEVER knew it. In late September, we found out she had stage 4 breast cancer. We had NO IDEA she was even sick, she kept this all to herself.....she passed away 3 1/2 weeks after we found out she was sick. The unimaginable had happened, this lady who has been my children's grandmother, my husband's mother was dying....she was in her 60's, this is not supposed to happen. How was this happening? I took care of her for the last weeks of her life. The things I saw, the things I had to do, the feelings I felt, these things that were so hard to believe imaginable happened and she was gone before I ever had a chance to save her. And in my mind, I thought I could....save her. I felt like if I took care of her the best I knew how, fed her the right kind of foods, offered support, took her to chemo, all would be good or at least give my husband and children a few more months to have her. It was not to be. One Wednesday morning, 3 and 1/2 weeks of learning she was sick, I went to wake her up...only she was gone....just like that....my world spun out of control.....I had to call my husband at work to tell him I had not saved his mother, I had failed him......it was too much of a burden to carry, inside I had fallen completely apart.

On the outside, no one ever knew.......I had endured so much stress and sadness during this short time span, I knew my life had spiraled out of control again and all comforts were found in sweets and salty foods. The year 2003 was one of the hardest years of my life.......to be continued

Afterthought: I believe everyone experiences similar things in their lives that cause the same feelings and behaviors I have experienced. No matter how small or large things appear to others, the only person who really knows how they effect you and on what levels are YOU. I know this is very important to acknowledge and deal with so this same cycle does not continue, because when I feel these old feelings and emotions trying to surface.....I am now armed and ready to not allow them to take control of my life.....think about the trigger things in your life, and then try and discover their roots....it will make all the difference in the world.....