Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Weight Loss Journey Part 2

Related Post:
Introduction: click Here
Part 1 : click Here

In 2001, I had lost some of my weight, but it came right back. I would guess my weight fluctuated between 150 and 169 around this time, for some of you I know you are saying "That's not so much" but for my normal weight, it was. Life events, which I can not discuss, took a major tole on my well being. The "what" of the issues are really not the topic, it was the emotional stress, sadness, disappointment, the feelings I had failed, lost sense of self worth, and depression and anxiety attacks took me to a place I had never been too, and would not want to be. Something unimaginable happened in my life, and the happy life I had known was never to return. I have dealt with this for many years. It really effected me, paralyzed my thought process, and I felt I had no hope, guilt had over come my life. I had to accept some things were lost forever...I would never get over it, but I had to learn to deal with it. I sought professional counseling, and got myself back on track and feeling some better. However, the old way of dealing with stressful situations never returned, I was always feeling too weak inside to handle stress like I used to do. So I was really in a fragile state....like a time bomb ticking....only foods were a comfort and that became my new joy, eating unhealthy foods became my survival mode.

In March of 2003, I got a call from my estranged step mother, my father was dead. Granted, I had not had any contact with him in several years, but no matter, that was a shock and a great sadness that no reconciliation would ever take place, I did not realize at the time how this left a lump in my heart the size of a football field, but like everything else, I suppressed these feelings and moved on the best way I could.And as you can imagine, dealing with monument sadness and depression, again, I turned to foods.

Then in June of 2003, my father in law had a triple by pass surgery and I took care of his recovery until he had to go into rehab. He is not a good patient, very mean and rude and wants to blame everyone for his problems.....that is just the way he is when he is sick...the stress from that was so over powering I can not explain. I was racked with guilt for sending him to a rehab place, but I could not allow him to disrupt my already stressful household being the uncooperative self he was. I felt bad and felt like it was my duty to care for him as he was my husband's father. None the less, he went to rehab, recovered and things leveled off.

In early August of 2003, my dad's sister, my sweet Aunt passed away. This was the last living relative on my dad's side of the family, no grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no dad...all gone just like that...I can not tell you how hard even to this day it is to type the words, it was like someone wiped away all the loved ones from this side of the family, all the memories, voices, the laughter, all were gone just like that...... unimaginable to me still. The great sadness was dealt with by eating, I really developed a love of sweets during this year, and that is how I dealt with my grief....the sweets....they made me feel good.

My mother in law encouraged me to lose some weight throughout this same year (2003), even paid for my weight watcher visits to try and help me lose. She encouraged, prompted, and was my cheerleader. I thought she was going to weight watchers too, but she was not.....she was sick and we NEVER knew it. In late September, we found out she had stage 4 breast cancer. We had NO IDEA she was even sick, she kept this all to herself.....she passed away 3 1/2 weeks after we found out she was sick. The unimaginable had happened, this lady who has been my children's grandmother, my husband's mother was dying....she was in her 60's, this is not supposed to happen. How was this happening? I took care of her for the last weeks of her life. The things I saw, the things I had to do, the feelings I felt, these things that were so hard to believe imaginable happened and she was gone before I ever had a chance to save her. And in my mind, I thought I could....save her. I felt like if I took care of her the best I knew how, fed her the right kind of foods, offered support, took her to chemo, all would be good or at least give my husband and children a few more months to have her. It was not to be. One Wednesday morning, 3 and 1/2 weeks of learning she was sick, I went to wake her up...only she was gone....just like that....my world spun out of control.....I had to call my husband at work to tell him I had not saved his mother, I had failed him......it was too much of a burden to carry, inside I had fallen completely apart.

On the outside, no one ever knew.......I had endured so much stress and sadness during this short time span, I knew my life had spiraled out of control again and all comforts were found in sweets and salty foods. The year 2003 was one of the hardest years of my life.......to be continued

Afterthought: I believe everyone experiences similar things in their lives that cause the same feelings and behaviors I have experienced. No matter how small or large things appear to others, the only person who really knows how they effect you and on what levels are YOU. I know this is very important to acknowledge and deal with so this same cycle does not continue, because when I feel these old feelings and emotions trying to surface.....I am now armed and ready to not allow them to take control of my life.....think about the trigger things in your life, and then try and discover their roots....it will make all the difference in the world.....


  1. You have been through a lot of heartache. I pray the arms of God will envelope you and give you peace as you go through this journey.

  2. My heart goes out to you. It is hard for anyone to have so many problems pile on them. You are not alone. I pray for the peace of God to flow on you.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story, Hoepfully unburdening and the love of those around you now can help with your journey.

  4. You are one brave woman to bare all of this to the world--it's hard to be vulnerable in "public" as it were. Blessings to you for being willing to go through all of it again for our benefit.

  5. So sorry for all you have been through---I do understand and just wish you had shared some of your hurts with me----I really do understand where you are coming from---I just don't have the nerve to express some of my hidden hurts and pains---I have just dealt with them the best I knew how and with God's help(my only help) I am still going---and the deep hurts and pains I have had I guess I will just carry them to the grave with me. Just know I love you with all my heart and will always be here for you---ALWAYS!!

  6. Good Morning..Woww..Just putting this on paper..and letting others in on your heartaches..IS a new beginning for you.I believe as women we can share with the best of them..sadly tho we somehow feel less of ourselves when things get stressfull. And instead of talking or (yelling outside) most of us EAT!!!!!We don't think.. we just hunt in the fridge, pantry, cookie jar..or even COOK our stress away. You are Human and tons of us do this everyday. Thank you for sharing and know that there is a network out there for you and all of us..women who can encourage..pray..and hopefully talk us down from the mental need of food. Same boat..with struggling leak...Cindy

  7. Geez Suzanne, what an emotional wringer you've been through. I think that was probably good for you, to get that all out, and now you're ready for this journey. Behind ya all the way!

  8. Dear Suzanne
    I cannot imagine that trying to lose weight in such a mental state could have been possible at all.
    Losing people close to you is very traumatic and we sometimes dont realise the effect it has on us until we are forced to deal with ourselves.
    Heads up!

  9. Wow - 2003 was a rough year, and it's amazing (not really in a good way) how a bad year can stretch into so many more things for the years to come.

    Again, thank-you for sharing your story.

    Praying for you daily.

  10. Suzanne...so much of this post had me in tears...it was very relateable for me...

    You are brave putting all this out there and here i was questioning deleting my post for today

  11. Thank you for your story. We all have struggles, and you are right when you say we all have to find our own way through. May the universe comfort and support you.

  12. I'm so proud of you for getting to the point that you are. My mom has suffered loss after loss the past few years and we've been talking through it a lot as she has a long history with depression. I have learned that no matter how much support is there, it takes the internal strength of the person to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I believe in your strength with all my heart.

  13. I can relate to this post on SO many levels. Though my triggers have been different, they and the sense of loss, hurt, sadness, etc are all very real and there for me too. I applaud your transparency and pray that you continue to heal from past hurts and loss. Looking forward to supporting you on this journey.

  14. Sweet Suzanne....I wish I could reach through this computer & give you a great, big hug! This coming year, 2010, is the beginning of a new decade and I pray it will bring nothing but happiness & peace for you.
    Love ya, Bo

  15. I can relate so well with you, Suzanne. Whenever I feel down, nothing helps better than ice cream!

  16. Suzanne - I think that pain and weight go hand and hand. it does for me. And making peace with food is a long journey.

    Thank you for sharing... Im honored


  17. You are so strong and you are doing the best by getting it out. May God continue to help you achieve your goals. You are right we do have so much in common.

  18. Suzanne,
    You are brave, strong woman and I applaud you for sharing your experiences with us.
    We all find some way of getting through the bad times, do not be so hard on yourself. You are coping.
    Stay strong, stay well.

  19. Suzanne,

    I have to tell you, that reading your story I felt like I was reading mine!!!! And youa re right we all have these times in our lives, but it doesn't help to know that someone else is going thru it at the time......I can so relate in so many ways. I also have a weight issue, addiction runs in my family, and mine if food. Too bad you have to eat......unlike other addictions that you can just quit, eventually with help. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to loose weight! Thank you for this post!!!! I am not alone.....


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